Redwall Jokes
by Laburnum Steelfang
Summary: Various favourite jokes of mine altered to fit the Redwall universe. Thoroughly silly, but fun.
1. Default Chapter

Deodar walks into the armoury and says to Lady Cregga, "Have you got any carrots?"  
  
Lady Cregga says, "No, this is the armoury. Try the kitchen."  
  
Next day, Deodar walks in again and says, "Got any carrots?"  
  
Lady Cregga says, "No, I told you yesterday, try the kitchen."  
  
Next day, Deodar walks in again and says "Got any carrots?" Lady Cregga grabs her and yells "For the third time, no! If you ask me that tomorrow I'll glue your ears to the anvil!"  
  
Next day, Deodar walks in again and says, "Got any glue?"  
  
"Er . . . no."  
  
"Good. Got any carrots?" 


	2. Chapter 2

(Author's Note : Sorry, but Viola did always strike me as a natural blonde ;))  
  
Viola Bankvole rushes into the infirmary and shouts, "Sister Cicely! I hurt all over!"  
  
Sister Cicely says, "That's impossible."  
  
"No, really, I do! See, when I touch my face, it hurts! When I touch my leg, it hurts! When I touch my chest, it hurts! Help!"  
  
Sister Cicely shakes her head, looks at Viola's paw, and sees the problem.  
  
"Viola, your finger is broken." 


	3. Chapter 3

(Author's Note : I knowthe bats have accents, but the joke doesn't have the same punch if I use them.)

A bat flies back to the cave, covered in blood. Of course the other bats notice, and eventually Lord Cayvear asks where he got the blood from. After much persuasion, he agrees to tell. The bats all fly out and he leads them to an oak tree on a hill.  
"See this tree?" he says.  
"Yes."  
"Good. I didn't."


	4. Chapter 4

This would explain why Slipp hates Blaggut so much . . .  
  
Blaggut is wandering around the town while the Pearl Queen is making landfall. While he's at the market, he sees a stall with a large parrot-like bird perched on the corner of the table. The weasel running the stall sees him staring and says "This is no ordinary bird, it's a very rare Goonybird. Watch what it does."  
  
He places a stick on the table and says "Goonybird, the stick!" The bird leaps on the stick and pecks it to splinters. Blaggut thinks "Wow, that'd make a great present for Cap'n Slipp!", so he buys the bird and takes it back to the ship. He finds Captain Slipp and says "Look, I bought you this in the market. It's a really rare Goonybird!"  
  
Slipp sighs and says "You've been had, chump, there ain't no such thing as a Goonybird!"  
  
"Yeah, there is, I swear it! See, there's one right here!"  
  
"Huh," says Slipp. "Goonybird, my foot!" 


	5. Chapter 5

Matthias and Cornflower have had a big argument and they aren't talking to each other. Instead, they communicate by means of notes. The evening of the day of the argument, Matthias gives Cornflower a note which reads;   
  
"I have to go fishing early tomorrow. Wake me up at dawn."  
  
Next day, he wakes up and sees that it's well after dawn, about 9 o'clock judging by the sun. He's really annoyed, but then he finds a note on his pillow;  
  
"Wake up, it's dawn." 


	6. Chapter 6

Author's Note 1 : Yes, this is sick, I know. Please don't flame me.  
  
Author's Note 2 : The Redwallers wouldn't get this one. Hopefully you will.  
  
Vilu Daskar is in a sadistic mood, so he decides to make his crew do the strength test ("Haul the wood this high, or else!", remember?). Each crew member takes the test. First, a rat does it, and manages to haul the wood slightly above the mark.  
  
Next, a weasel does it, and gets the wood well over the mark.  
  
All the crew manage to pass the test, and Vilu is getting bored.  
  
Finally, a large, fluffy, stoat-like creature steps forward, but try as he might, he can't haul the wood further than about halfway.  
  
As Vilu pushes the creature overboard, he shouts;  
  
"You are the weakest mink. Goodbye!" 


	7. Chapter 7

Author's Note: Yes, I KNOW there are no deer in Redwall, but I couldn't find another animal that fitted the joke.  
  
Abbot Mortimer is walking along the wall when he sees a deer with a crossbow at the gate. He obeys the rule of hospitality and invites her in. The deer is so big that she has trouble getting in through the gate, but she manages, and she sits on the lawn while the Redwallers bring her some food. She eats it with obvious enjoyment, and takes a bite of the grass as well, but then she picks up her crossbow and shoots one of the mice, fortunately not fatally.  
  
Abbot Mortimer yells at her, "How dare you? We helped you, you ungrateful . . ." She replies, "Well, sorry, but I am a deer, you know. Look me up in the dictionary," before squeezing out through the gate and running off.  
  
Abbot Mortimer finds a dictionary and looks up "deer". The entry reads;  
  
"Deer. Hoofed animal of the family Cervidae. Males often have branching antlers. Eats grass, shoots and leaves." 


	8. Chapter 8

Author's Note: Another one the Redwallers wouldn't get, but you will. Yes, it's awful, but I couldn't think of a better one.  
  
A skinny black-furred animal walks into a tavern in Sampetra. He is wearing a black robe and has a lightning-bolt shaped mark on his face. As he goes up to the bar, everybeast stares, and when he reaches the bar the innkeeper is briefly dumbstruck. When he can finally speak, he croaks out;  
  
"Bless my soul - it's Harry P. Otter." 


	9. Chapter 9

Friar Bunfold is getting fed up of Veil stealing strawberries, so he works out a plan to stop him. He pins up a sign by the strawberry patch, which says "Warning: One of these strawberries has been poisoned."  
  
Next day, he comes to examine the patch to see if his plan worked. Under his notice is a new message. It reads "Now there are two." 


	10. Chapter 10

(Author's Note: Redwalgrl asked if I could do a joke featuring Ublaz. Here it is.)  
  
Emperor Ublaz is supposed to be meeting with Rasconza. When Sagitar brings the fox to the palace, Ublaz yells, "Don't you dare bring that creature into the throne room! It's covered in fleas!"  
  
Sagitar turns to Rasconza and says, "Stay out of the throne room, it's full of fleas." 


	11. Chapter 11

(This one was suggested by Yuoofox.)  
  
Once upon a time, Mossflower woods was filled with flower shops run by various woodland creatures. Animals everywhere would come to Mossflower to buy beautiful bouquets. One day, the Abbot of Redwall told all of the monks at Redwall to start a flower business, except that the Redwall monks would give the flowers away for free. All the animals started getting their flower bouquets from Redwall, and it started putting the other woodlanders out of business. The woodlanders decided that they needed to put a stop to Redwall's flower business once and for all. They sent Log-A-Log to talk with the Abbot, but the Abbot wouldn't listen. They sent the Skipper of the otters, but the Abbot still wouldn't listen. Finally, they got Hugh Broadstripe, the badger lord to visit Redwall. Hugh was so fearsome, that the Abbot gave in and told the monks to stop giving away flowers. Here is the moral of this story:  
  
"Only Hugh can prevent florist friars." 


	12. Chapter 12

The Rambling Rosehip Players have got together a new act - they catch a pike and put it in a tank. Celandine dives into the tank and kisses the pike on the snout. The first time they perform this, everybeast cheers, except for a young male rat sitting at the back of the audience, who yells "Anybeast can do that!"  
  
Celandine swims to the side of the tank and shouts back, "Oh, really? Would you like to try it?"  
  
"Of course," replies the rat, "but get that pike out of there first!" 


	13. Chapter 13

Dibbun Veil rushes up to Bryony, holding a jar full of water and crying hysterically. Bryony finally manages to work out that the jar contains his pet fish, which has apparently died. She hugs him until he calms down, then they dig a hole to bury poor little Fishy in.  
  
Just as they finish digging, Bryony sees the fish flick its tail.  
  
"Oh, look, Veil," she says, "Fishy isn't dead after all!"  
  
Veil looks into the jar and says, "Oh. Can we kill it?" 


	14. Chapter 14

(My younger readers probably won't get this joke. Ask your parents)

One day, Matthias found a mysterious egg lying in the middle of the path out in Mossflower. He brought it back to Redwall, and found some old records in the gatehouse stating that it was the egg of the Rary Bird, an extremely rare breed. Abbot Mortimer agreed to keep the egg.Once it hatched, the Rary Bird grew very fast and very big, though its wings were too small for it to fly. At first it happily lived on fish, but one day it suddenly attacked the Dibbuns. Constance and Winifred managed to overpower it before it killed anybeast, but they were stuck with the problem of what to do with the bird. They could hardly keep it tied up forever, and nobeast dared get close enough to kill it.Finally, Abbot Mortimer came up with an idea. "The bird cannot fly, so we shall take it to the top of the belltower and throw it off."Matthias nodded and said, "That's a long way to tip a Rary." 


	15. Chapter 15

(Author's Note: Okay, nobody got the last joke. It's a retelling of a World War 2 joke about the then-popular tune, "It's A Long Way To Tipperary". Tipperary is somewhere in Ireland. Hope that's helpful.)

A searat is on shore leave and is hanging around a tavern. He starts to get bored, so he goes up to a nearby weasel and tries to talk to her. She tells him to get lost, as she is trying to enjoy her drink in peace.  
The rat says, "I'll tell you what, let's play a game. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you give me a piece of your jewellery. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll give you a piece of mine."  
The weasel says no, so he carries on. "Alright, I'll raise the stakes. If I get a question wrong, you can have my sword instead." The weasel finally agrees.  
The rat asks the first question. "How many teeth does a shark have?" The weasel doesn't know the answer, so she gives him one of her earrings and takes her turn.  
"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The rat is completely mystified. He sits puzzling for a very long time, but can't come up with anything. Finally he gives up, and reluctantly gives his sword to the weasel. She smirks, finishes her grog and heads towards the door.  
The frustrated rat calls after her, "Well, what _is _the answer?" Without a word, she turns, takes off her other earring, throws it to him, and walks out the door.


	16. Chapter 16

Finally, I get the chance to resurrect this. Sorry I didn't post sooner, but I'd sort of lost interest in cheesy jokes, and I was busy with other things. (But one can never have too many cheesy jokes, so I started again.) Kareah, I'd like to reply to you properly, but how can I when you don't leave an email address to contact you? If you get an account here (it IS free) I could contact you with a lot less difficulty.

Anyway. Joke.

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A ferret has become tired of the vermin life, left his tribe and tried to enter the Abbey. After much convincing that he's not going to turn out like Veil did, the Order accepts him, and he tries to settle in.

Unfortunately, one day he's trying to help out in the kitchens, and the helpers are telling stupid-vermin-joke after stupid-vermin-joke, until finally he can't take it anymore, drops the cauldron he's washing and storms out of the kitchen, through the wallgate and down the path, trying to clear his head.

As he walks, he sulks and grumbles to himself about the Abbeydwellers attitude to his kind. Eventually, he comes across a meadow. A rat is sitting in a boat in the middle of the meadow, trying to row it and of course getting nowhere.

Enraged, the ferret shakes a fist at the rat and screams "It's vermin like you that make the rest of us look bad! I'd come out there and kill you, if only I could swim!"


	17. Chapter 17

Clecky, after he returns back from Sampetra, gathers all the Redwallers around at the feast to tell them of all of his "heroic deeds." 

"This," he says, "is the story of a brave, valiant, handsome hare with one ear named Clecky!"

Little Arven raises his tiny paw in the air. "What was his other ear called?"


	18. Chapter 18

Abbot Mordalfus is teaching the Abbeyschool class, and he asks them "Where is Mother Nature?" 

Rollo says "She's everywhere, in every flower and tree, and she makes them grow."

Cynthia Vole says "She's in my heart."

Jube Stump frantically waves a paw and finally butts in "I know! I know! She's in the privy."

The class sits in stunned silence. Finally Abbot Mordalfus stammers "I'm sorry, _what?"_

"Every morning my dad goes to the privy, bangs on the door and yells 'Mother Nature, are you still in there?'"


	19. Chapter 19

Many seasons ago, a very young Badrang and Clogg met on their first voyage. Young Clogg was very excited and was running around, waving his sword and talking enthusiastically about himself, about how much fun their first looting mission was going to be, and so on. Young Badrang, on the other paw, was busy repairing a rope and didn't want to get in trouble on the first day out from port, and was getting progressively more irritable. Clogg ignored Badrang whenever he told him to get lost and let him work, and Badrang quickly began to hate him. 

Eventually Clogg ran out of things to say about himself and decided to pretend to be interested in what his "new friend" had to say. "So, where're ye from?" he asked.

Badrang glared and said, "I am from somewhere where we are taught not to end a sentence with a preposition."

Clogg pondered this. "Oh, alright. So, where're ye from, ugly?"


End file.
